Clues (blog)

Lessons in online dating from Manti Te'o Hoax

01/27/2013 22:09:00

By now, you've all heard about Notre Dame football player Manti Te'o and his fake girlfriend, whom he "met" online. It's a bizarre story, to say the least, and we may never really learn the full truth. Manti claims he was a victim and that he was heartbroken to learn that his girlfriend passed away (only to resurface living and breathing some time later).

The speculation on whether Manti was in on the plot continues. Nonetheless, here are 4 quick tips to not end up like Manti Te'o:

Check the Pic. Search the photo you've received via Google images to see if it's being used somewhere else too.

Verify Employment. Find out where your date works, then call after hours, dial by name, and make sure the voicemail voice matches the person you've been speaking with on the phone.

Get Offline. The point of online dating is to speed up the process of getting to meet someone because you're too busy to hit the bar, the blind date arranged by friends, the whatever. The goal is to date. In person. Skip the long distance loves at this stage. You want your date in town, available and ready to meet within 2-weeks in person

Watch the Labels. If you haven't met in person, then keep your feelings in check. Don't start labeling people you've never met your girlfriend or boyfriend; wait to do that in person. Hopefully, if that's what you want, that's where it'll go but let it happen naturally.

Woman sues match.com after brutal stabbing by date

01/27/2013 21:45:00

A Las Vegas woman is suing Match.com for $10 million dollars after being brutally beaten and stabbed by a man she met on the online dating site.

Mary Kay Beckman, 50, and Wade Ridley, 53, dated for just eight days before Beckman called off their relationship. Four months later, Ridley broke into Beckman’s garage, jumped the mother of two and stabbed her repeatedly with a butcher’s knife, then stomped on her head and neck, Fox 5 Las Vegas reported.

“When the police arrested him, he said he wasn't there to hurt me. He was there to kill me," Beckman told Fox 5.

While in police custody, Ridley admitted to killing a 62-year-old Arizona woman he’d also met on Match.com, in early 2011.

Beckham’s lawyer says that Match.com lulls customers into a “false sense of security,” and is suing the company for $10 million.

Ridley committed suicide in prison before he could be tried in either the attack or the killing.

For those of you seeking to date online, please take precautions so that you may indeed meet, mingle, and have fun while staying safe.

Sites likes Match.com do not vet your dates -- that's your job. Even in states where some sites claim they do, the extent of their background checks of their members its unclear and the consequences for the sites are blurry. It's paramount that you, the dater, take safety in your own hands. This isn't the first time and online dating story has gone badly; it won't be the last.

What can you do?

Always check for a criminal sex offender record
Make sure to meet in public
Wait a reasonable amount of time before revealing your home address
Don't rush to be in a "relationship"
Use Google Voice instead of giving out your cell or home phone
Check to see if your date has moved around from state-to-state with address checks
Pay attention to your date's body language

Canada's most promiscuous men

10/24/2012 16:56:00

Listen up Candian gals, SeekingArrangement.com, the self-proclaimed world’s largest Sugar Daddy dating website, has released a list of the cities with the most promiscuous men.

While most Sugar Daddies say they only have 2 to 4 sexual partners a year, 36% claim to have more than seven, that percentage is significantly higher in cities like Victoria, Ottawa and Edmonton. The cities with the least promiscuous men in Canada are Halifax, Calgary and Winnipeg.

The study polled 2,000 of SeekingArrangement.com’s Canadian members, with 53% of those men admitting to joining the site to find a sexual partner.

(Drum role) and the cities With the most promiscuous men in Canada (in order!) are:

Victoria, BC 78%

Ottawa, ON 75%

Edmonton, AB 74%

Toronto, ON 71%

Vancouver, BC 69%

Saint John, NB 68%

Montreal, QB 67%

Saskatoon, SK 65%

Quebec City, QB 62%

Regina, SK 60%

While InvestiDaters aren't looking for Sugar Daddies, it's important to know where there's a higher likelihood of finding one, so you can prepare accordingly for your big night out... especially if you live or vacation in one of the above cities. Knowing what you want out of your romantic relationships/entanglements is half the battle. So, what's the other half? Knowing what you don't want.

Illinois law protects daters; but keep your guard up

08/28/2012 22:16:00

A new law in Illinois now requires internet dating services to let users known whether or not they conduct criminal background checks on their members. The law, which went into effect on August 24th (2012) also requires the dating sites to provide safety awareness notification to its Illinois members.

Illinois Governor Pat Quinn signed the new law as a way to boost safety to online daters. "“With online dating becoming increasingly popular in the 21st century, it is important to make sure its participants are safe and aware of potential risks,” he said in a press release.

While the Illinois law is a step toward protecting daters -- please remember -- as an online dater you are still responsible for your own safety.

If you read through the details on Senate Bill 2535, aka the Internet Dating Safety Act, you'll see the terms spelled out quite clearly. Even with the fine print, there will be hiccups, so please -- do your own due diligence, keep your eyes peeled, always meet in public, and use your Date-a-Base.

Section 5 of the bill, where definitions are discussed, delves into what accounts for a "criminal background screening," and well, it starts with a name. Great! Because a criminal is sure to use his or her real name when signing up for an online dating site -- let's start there. So, even if a whole state means well and a private sector company strives to follow through on the law, there will be challenges.

And we haven't even gotten into the nitty gritty of what really makes up that "screening" part yet? Remember when California announced this initiative? I'm still waiting for clarification there; especially since some private dating sites have added on singles events where you can bring a friend and there's seemingly no screening process there!

Anyway, back to the Illinois "screening." In the Prairie State it means searching available and regularly updated government public record databases for criminal convictions and searching a database maintained by a private vendor that is regularly updated and is maintained in the U.S. with substantial criminal history and sexual offender registries.

In other words, what we've always done, visiting sites like:

criminalcheck.com (free)

Familywatchdog.us (free)

Intelius.com (paid)

And what's stopping someone from being squeaky clean when, criminal-free, at sign up and having a rap-sheet next week just before your date? Absolutely nothing. So, keep your guard up. It's great to see new laws working in our favor. Think of the law like a stop light at a busy intersection. For sure it'll help to have it -- but you should still look both ways before you cross that street.

Woman accused of killing fiance on wedding day

08/12/2012 20:22:00

Authorities say a woman in Pennsylvania stabbed her fiance to death during an argument on their wedding day.

Na Cola Darcel Franklin has been charged with criminal homicide in the death of 36-year-old Billy Rafeal Brewster in their Whitehall Township apartment.

The (Allentown) Morning Call newspaper reports that at her video arraignment on August 11th, 31-year-old Franklin sobbed: "I did not kill him on purpose."

Neighbor Steve Engel says the pastor who was supposed to perform the ceremony came to the apartment building after being unable to reach the couple, who were set to marry at 10 am that day.

While it's not always possible to gauge someone's future behavior -- especially in situations where there may not be a previous rap sheet, InvestiDaters can turn to body language and verbal clues to gauge a person's volatility.

If you're dating someone who has a bad or unpredictable temper, turns to humiliation, or displays other aggressive or controlling behaviors -- take a step back and assess your situation. If you're unsure, if you're in treacherous territory, click here to look at some common signs of abusive relationships. Or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline for more information at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

Another great resource, with a free downloadable simulation app is, http://loveisnotabuse.com. While the site mostly helps teenagers and their parents learn about the pitfalls of love and abuse, particularly in the digital age, it's an excellent starting point for anyone at any age.

Lastly, asking yourself some honest, introspective, questions, can also help. Dr. Elsbeth Martindale, PsyD, makes a deck of cards (iPhone app too) called Things to Know Before You Say "Go." The deck of cards walks you through an important series of questions to ask yourself before you become involved with someone.

While there are never any guarantees in life, these types of tools help you make a more informed decision. They can also help you once you've made a decision to re-evaluate it and if necessary readjust.

Fake marine pleads guilty to cyberstalking his online dates

07/31/2012 23:33:00

A North Carolina man pretending to be a U.S. Marine on online dating sites and allegedly threatened women who refused to send him nude or seductive pictures of themselves has pleaded guilty to cyberstalking and making threats, The Washington Post is reporting.

James M. Johnson, 29, pleaded guilty, according to a statement from the office of U.S. Attorney Neil H. MacBride. Johnson now faces up to five years for each count at a sentencing scheduled on Nov. 2.

Johnson admitted to setting up dating profiles using a fake name, personal information and photos of a Marine — often using the screen name “Cuddleman.” He contacted at least 11 women in the mid-Atlantic region, urging them to send him photos or pose in front of a Web cam. When the women refused, authorities say, Johnson threatened to sexually assault them, kill their children, and post altered photos of them on pornographic Web sites.

If you've met someone online and you're unsure if he or she's in the military, make sure to check archives.gov and stolenvalor.com for more direction. Fake military scams are rampant these days -- from college women to retirees, women (and men) of all ages are being swindled my fake military personnel (click here for more tips on what to look out for).

If you think you've been a victim of a fake military scam, your best bet is to contact the Federal Trade Commission at 1-877-ID-THEFT.

Scorned lover creates fake online dating profiles for exes

07/21/2012 20:53:00

You just can't make this stuff up...

Apparently a jilted ex-boyfriend created some profiles for his ex-girlfriends on online dating sites. And not just any online dating sites -- he created one on a site for people looking to hook up with prison inmates (and called one of his exes a PORN STAR for fun)!

MyFoxHouston.com reports that 30-year-old Carl Wayne McGraw, Jr. has been accused by two women of creating multiple fake dating profiles for them online. To make matters worse, the women say McGraw has been using their real names, e-mail addresses, home addresses and phone numbers.

The first woman says she found several fake profiles for herself online after dating McGraw for two months. One of the profiles said she was a "porn star." The second woman says she broke up with McGraw after five months of dating after catching him in "multiple lies."

MyFoxHouston.com reports that McGraw is a suspect in the investigation and that investigators have charged him with online impersonation.

So, what can you do to safeguard your personal information to prevent it from being used against you? For starters, use your Date-a-Base email address for all communication. Even if someone gives out this email address, it won't matter because it has no direct tie to you (click here to read more about how to create your own Date-a-Base).

Use Google Voice or get a disposable cell phone. There's no need to reveal your true digits to anybody until you're in a long term relationship anymore. The less people have your direct dial -- the better.

Now, again, I'll never throw David Merkur under the bus. Remember him? Highly organized New York singleton with a spreadsheet that caused an uproar. Judge him as you will but I've always come to his defense -- the boy is organized, his only error was a lapse in judgement and sending the darn thing as it was, sans deleting some characters and photos. Nonetheless, his debacle earlier this year should serve as a wake up call to all singletons out there. And that lesson is this: you are responsible for the safekeeping of your own information.

If you don't have a Date-a-Base email, make one now. And while you're at it, do it on Google... it'll boost your chances that you'll get Google Voice next, which means you'll be on your way to blocking emails, dropping calls, and removing unwanted distractions from your life -- as soon as absolutely necessary.

Man accused of wooing then scamming online dates

07/08/2012 22:45:00

Police in San Diego are on the look out for a man accused of scamming tens of thousands of dollars from women he met on online dating sites.

Forty-nine year old Fadi Boulos Chaiban has allegedly defrauded at least two women out of $169,00! California police said that Chaiban, who also used the names Eddie Morretti, Anthony Paul Marino, and Eddie Baker, met the women on social websites, would wine and dine them making a grand appearance in a Mercedes Benz, gain their trust, promise each a future together, and then months later convinced them to give him money for investments.

"He never makes any investments and is not heard from again,'' according to a police alert.

Fox news reports one victim is from San Diego and the other is an elderly woman in Los Angeles.

Chaiban is said to be from Lebanon but has roots in Southern California. They believe he could still be in the area. He was last known to live in the 3400 block of Riveria Drive in Pacific Beach.

Chaiban has a criminal background involving issues with deportation and drug charges. He's wanted for fraud. Anyone who has been involved in a relationship or investment with Chaiban is urged to call San Diego County Crime Stoppers at 888-580-8477. Tips leading to an arrest may be worth $1,000.

Here’s a video with recently released images of Chaiban and additional information. But first a few quick tips in case you tend to wear your heart on your sleeve… let’s make sure your cash isn’t there too.

What you make is yours to keep, until you, of sound mind, decide other wise. Here are some things you can do to protect yourself:

So, not sure if you’re actually dating an investment guru, look it up on the Financial Industry Regulatory Authority (FINRA) Broker Check. FINRA is the largest independent regulator for all securities firms doing business in the US. It oversees more than 4,000 brokerage firms, upward of 160,000 branch offices and more than 630,00 registered securities representatives. Its main role is to protect investors and it offers free online tools to help you choose whether to do business or continue to do business with a particular person or firm.

Look up said investment. Get the deal in writing. Check out FINRA’s overview on smart investing.

If you were introduced through an acquaintance via a social network or a party, get in touch with that acquaintance or friend and ask questions – specifically ask how your new significant other and your acquaintance know one another, how long they’ve been friendly and if they’ve maintained that same level of friendship continuously throughout the years. People lose touch, things change -- just because you see someone every year at a holiday party doesn’t mean you truly know anything about them.

Husband of slain 'bathtub bride' had no record of employment

05/20/2012 01:44:00

Just hours after she married her boyfriend (and father of her youngest child), 26-year-old bride Estrella Carrera was found stabbed to death in a bathtub in her wedding dress. Her husband, 30-year-old, Arnoldo Jiminez of Chicago, is wanted for murder.

ABC reports a manhunt is under way for the 6-foot, 220-pound Jiminez, who was last known to be driving a 2006 black Maserati. Burbank police said they have no record of employment for Jiminez, and have no idea how he got a $120,000 car.

Family members have shared with police that there had been incidents of violence during the couple's relationship but there's no police record of domestic violence, according to the Associated Press.

While we don't know much with certainty yet, we do know that Jiminez is on the run. This tragic situation brings up other important InvestiDating issues, such as employment verification and aggression.

When you're dating someone, how do you know if they're really employed? Just because they put on a suit every morning and grab a brief case or disappear for 8-hours or come back with calloused-hands doesn't mean they're going to an courthouse, an office job, or trade work. You'll have to pay better attention than that.

Here are some work verification tips:

Call your date's workplace after hours and dial by name, does s/he exist in the directory?
When you dial by name, actually LISTEN to the person's message. Is the voice the same as the person whom you've been chatting with? There are a gazillion John Smith's in the world and then several others pretending to be John Smith.
If you're dating someone exclusively, call one day when you're near their supposed work place and ask what she or he is up to, if s/he says it's a slow day say "great, I'm actually around the corner. Let's go for a quick lunch. My treat." See what happens. Sometimes someone can't get away but if every time your significant other can't get away, take note.
Check LinkedIn for connections and verify that the connections make sense (does this person have only a few people connected to them? Why? No colleagues are linked? No company page? Or bigger flag: not even a company Web site?)
Does the money match the man or woman? It's unlikely that a run of the mill hourly worker will own a multi-million dollar home unless he or she owns the company and chooses to work there too to be "one" with the workers. Don't get swept up in the romance of what you want to believe -- see the situation for what it is, before the reality smacks you in the face
Check the lingo matches the gig -- A computer programmer who things java is only about coffee might not be a computer programmer. A pilot who's terrified of heights might not be a pilot.
Verify applicable work databases, in New York start here:
www.op.nysed.gov/broch2.htm

What about when it comes to violence, how does one know if they're dealing with someone who who can be aggressive or violent? Here are some tips to help you decipher:

If you feel you have to walk on eggshells with someone to prevent a temper tantrum, you might be with someone who is abusive. Click here to read more signs of domestic violence
Download the love is not abuse digital dating abuse app that demonstrates the dangers of digital abuse and provides links to useful resources
Check in with a psychologist online 24/7 (you'll have to pay for this so set an alarm on your phone or watch before you log on so you don't get caught up and lose track of time; you get charged by the minute) at LivePerson.com.

Check out the video on the "bathtub bride" below for more details on the case.

video platform video management video solutions video player

Singles events are great just be careful

05/15/2012 02:19:00

If you've met me in person or via webinar then you know, like you, I'm always looking.

I'm on the dating sites, I'm check out the cute guy in line at Starbucks, and so forth. So, who am I to tell you not to go to a singles event... I'm among the first ones there! That said, be careful. Don't presume, you're in a safe place -- even if it's organized by "your" meetup, your members-only club, or a paid dating site. Wherever you go, singles event or not, you are your own body guard. I cannot stress this enough. Go ahead, roll your eyes, I'm used to it, I'm a big sister.

What does "you are your own body guard" mean, exactly? It means there a few key dos and don'ts:

Don't reveal more about yourself than you normally would thinking you're in the company of comrades; you are still in the company of strangers
Do chat and flirt and smile with as many decent-looking people who catch your eye as possible
Don't let someone you don't know bring you a drink. If you let a stranger buy you a drink go with that person to purchase it and walk the drink back; it only takes a split-second for a drug to find its way into your drink. If you order a soda and it comes in a bottle or a can and waitstaff brings it, it should be sealed. If it's not sealed/closed, send it back, explain you need it sealed and request another.
Do not give out your real email or phone. Instead give out your Date-a-Base email address or Google Voice phone number freely; you have nothing to worry about with either of these
Do email yourself to your Date-a-Base email your whereabouts if you change location so that there is a bolded incoming record and other invisible tracks of your night, i.e. cell tower records
Don't leave and come back to finish a drink. If you leave your drink order a new one; so wait to use a restroom till your cup runneth outeth.

Do check identificationif you choose to leave for the evening with someone (not advised) then pretty please make sure you triple check that the name on their driver's license matches the name on a major credit card. And, umm, make sure the photo on that driver's license matches the person standing in front of you and that it's a real license.