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Clues (blog)
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Maria Coder: Posted on Sunday, May 20, 2012 1:44 AM
Just hours after she married her boyfriend (and father of her youngest child), 26-year-old bride Estrella Carrera was found stabbed to death in a bathtub in her wedding dress. Her husband, 30-year-old, Arnoldo Jiminez of Chicago, is wanted for murder.
ABC reports a manhunt is under way for the 6-foot, 220-pound Jiminez, who was
last known to be driving a 2006 black Maserati. Burbank police said they
have no record of employment for Jiminez, and have no idea how he got a
$120,000 car.
Family members have shared with police that there had been incidents of violence
during the couple's relationship but there's no police record of
domestic violence, according to the Associated Press.
While we don't know much with certainty yet, we do know that Jiminez is on the run. This tragic situation brings up other important InvestiDating issues, such as employment verification and aggression.
When you're dating someone, how do you know if they're really employed? Just because they put on a suit every morning and grab a brief case or disappear for 8-hours or come back with calloused-hands doesn't mean they're going to an courthouse, an office job, or trade work. You'll have to pay better attention than that.
Here are some work verification tips:
- Call your date's workplace after hours and dial by name, does s/he exist in the directory?
- When you dial by name, actually LISTEN to the person's message. Is the voice the same as the person whom you've been chatting with? There are a gazillion John Smith's in the world and then several others pretending to be John Smith.
- If you're dating someone exclusively, call one day when you're near their supposed work place and ask what she or he is up to, if s/he says it's a slow day say "great, I'm actually around the corner. Let's go for a quick lunch. My treat." See what happens. Sometimes someone can't get away but if every time your significant other can't get away, take note.
- Check LinkedIn for connections and verify that the connections make sense (does this person have only a few people connected to them? Why? No colleagues are linked? No company page? Or bigger flag: not even a company Web site?)
- Does the money match the man or woman? It's unlikely that a run of the mill hourly worker will own a multi-million dollar home unless he or she owns the company and chooses to work there too to be "one" with the workers. Don't get swept up in the romance of what you want to believe -- see the situation for what it is, before the reality smacks you in the face
- Check the lingo matches the gig -- A computer programmer who things java is only about coffee might not be a computer programmer. A pilot who's terrified of heights might not be a pilot.
- Verify applicable work databases, in New York start here:
- www.op.nysed.gov/broch2.htm
What about when it comes to violence, how does one know if they're dealing with someone who who can be aggressive or violent? Here are some tips to help you decipher:
- If you feel you have to walk on eggshells with someone to prevent a temper tantrum, you might be with someone who is abusive. Click here to read more signs of domestic violence
- Download the love is not abuse digital dating abuse app that demonstrates the dangers of digital abuse and provides links to useful resources
- Check in with a psychologist online 24/7 (you'll have to pay for this so set an alarm on your phone or watch before you log on so you don't get caught up and lose track of time; you get charged by the minute) at LivePerson.com.
Check out the video on the "bathtub bride" below for more details on the case.
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Maria Coder: Posted on Tuesday, May 15, 2012 2:19 AM
If you've met me in person or via webinar then you know, like you, I'm always looking.
I'm on the dating sites, I'm check out the cute guy in line at Starbucks, and so forth. So, who am I to tell you not to go to a singles event... I'm among the first ones there! That said, be careful. Don't presume, you're in a safe place -- even if it's organized by "your" meetup, your members-only club, or a paid dating site. Wherever you go, singles event or not, you are your own body guard. I cannot stress this enough. Go ahead, roll your eyes, I'm used to it, I'm a big sister.
What does "you are your own body guard" mean, exactly? It means there a few key dos and don'ts:
- Don't reveal more about yourself than you normally would thinking you're in the company of comrades; you are still in the company of strangers
- Do chat and flirt and smile with as many decent-looking people who catch your eye as possible
- Don't let someone you don't know bring you a drink. If you let a stranger buy you a drink go with that person to purchase it and walk the drink back; it only takes a split-second for a drug to find its way into your drink. If you order a soda and it comes in a bottle or a can and waitstaff brings it, it should be sealed. If it's not sealed/closed, send it back, explain you need it sealed and request another.
- Do not give out your real email or phone. Instead give out your Date-a-Base email address or Google Voice phone number freely; you have nothing to worry about with either of these
- Do email yourself to your Date-a-Base email your whereabouts if you change location so that there is a bolded incoming record and other invisible tracks of your night, i.e. cell tower records
- Don't leave and come back to finish a drink. If you leave your drink order a new one; so wait to use a restroom till your cup runneth outeth.
- Do check identificationif you choose to leave for the evening with someone (not advised) then pretty please make sure you triple check that the name on their driver's license matches the name on a major credit card. And, umm, make sure the photo on that driver's license matches the person standing in front of you and that it's a real license.
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Maria Coder: Posted on Thursday, April 19, 2012 10:06 PM
If this is news to you. Here's what you need to know: - David Merkur is really good at making spreadsheets. If you need one made on Excel, you should probably hire him.
- David Merkur dates (or at least used to date) on Match.com
- David Merkur rates (or at least used to rate) his dates using his Excel spreadsheet
- David Merkur went on a date with a woman named Arielle and put his foot in-his-mouth (mistake #1) when he told her about his nifty spreadsheet (it actually is a beautiful spreadsheet, take a look)
- David Merkur emailed his spreadsheet to Arielle (mistake #2) who emailed it to her friends
- David Merkur failed to remove personal identifiers of the women he dated from the spreadsheet (three strikes David Merkur)
David Merkur is not evil. In my opinion, David Merkur is organized. He's young. He has "send-itis." If you've taken my InvestiDate workshop you know I tell you to get historical not hysterical. David should've backed away from his computer.
What can we, as daters, learn here? Firstly, his spreadsheet is fantastic. It's organized, it's attractive, it's color-coded, it would be incredibly useful to an investigator if you went on a date and didn't come back. The photos, whereabouts, phone numbers, etc. are a goldmine of information. Kudos to David Merkur. That said, it's not something I would encourage you to ever share. It's a file that I would encourage you to keep safely stored in your Date-a-Base and if you've created your Date-a-Base in gmail then it's a private google document that only you and your two best buds with the password to your document may access, for worst case scenario purposes as explained in InvestiDate: How to Investigate Your Date.
Next -- how not to become a "victim" on said spreadsheet
You can't control your thumbnail photo ending up on someone's spreadsheet.
You can control your email and phone number ending up on a similar spreadsheet and being broadcast to the world.
Here's how:
- only register and use your Date-a-Base email address for dating, which solves the email problem instantly.
- Use GoogleVoice for phone and until you enter into an exclusive relationship with someone only use that GoolgeVoice phone number.
- If you don't like that idea, visit Walmart.com or any other big box chain and get a $10-$30 pre-paid cell phone. I just ordered this tracfone bundle for a book launch party and will probably hand it out to a few suitors along the way.
So, before you go throwing David Merkur, whom I've never met by the way, under the bus, be honest -- you've never assigned a numerical value to someone? Not even in your head? You've never thought, wow, he's a 10? She's a solid 9.5? No? Never? Sorry, I don't believe you.
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Maria Coder: Posted on Sunday, March 25, 2012 11:14 PM
PlentyofFish.com and True.com are being sued for allegedly using a fallen soldier's photo in their ads for "Military Man Searching for Love."
The parents of Army Lt. Peter Burks have sued both dating sites. They say their son's photo was used in ads without their permission.
"The implication is that, if you click here, this is one of our members. This is somebody you'll meet -- and people like him -- when this fallen hero has been dead three or four years," attorney Rogge Dunn, of Clouse Dunn LLP in Dallas, who filed the lawsuit on behalf of Burks' parents, told NBC.
Dunn sent a cease-and-desist letter to PlentyofFish.com, based in Vancouver. The company has since agreed to remove the ad. Star Local News reports there has been no response to a similar letter from True.com based in Dallas.
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Maria Coder: Posted on Wednesday, March 21, 2012 11:20 PM
Hey – you wanna date online? You have to your homework. You can’t rely on the big guys protecting you.
Yeah, I heard the news. Yep, California Attorney General Kamala D. Harris announced on March 20th that three of the nation's leading online dating providers issued a joint statement of business principles to help protect online daters against identity theft, financial scams and sexual predators. Means nothing. You are responsible for you. Did you hear me? You are responsible for you.
Here’s the thing, the agreement between the CA Attorney General and online dating providers eHarmony, Match.com and Spark Networks (which operates JDate and ChristianMingle), says the companies will protect their members through the use of online safety tools, including checking subscribers against national sex offender registries and by providing a rapid abuse reporting system for members. OK, well, it’s a day late a dollar short but at least we’re moving in the right direction.
So, what if Mr. Squeaky Clean at 4:25 pm commits a sex crime at 9:25 pm.? Next day after work what you glam it up and head out to meet him for your date… YOU, my dear, have to check to stay on top of things for yourself. We don’t know how quickly things will move through the bureaucratic process. We don’t know how quickly profiles will be removed from select paid dating sites, presuming they’re caught and removed at all. We never really know whom we’re meeting to begin with. All we know is that we must be our own bodyguards.
How can we protect ourselves? We must InvestiDate:
- Create a Date-a-Base
- Check Criminal databases
- Call someone without dialing
- Watch for military and affinity scams
- Be wary of signs of drug use
Remember, people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.
Please email me directly with any questions.
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Maria Coder: Posted on Monday, March 19, 2012 12:03 AM
You see ladies, we aren't the only ones duped in the pursuit of love and lust... men are too.
One Pennsylvania lad sent about $400 to a woman he thought held his heart down in Nashville (sorry TN, you know I love ya). Apparently, she only held the remnants of his wallet.
The 42-year old PA-resident sent money via Western Union to the woman's alleged "travel agent," or so he thought... all so that she could come up, and well, meet him after exchanging emails on the dating site Lust.com.
But police say the woman never showed up.
“It’s never a good idea to send any funds via Western Union to anybody
you don’t know personally,” North Strabane Police Officer Jonathan Miles told WPXI.com.
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Maria Coder: Posted on Monday, February 13, 2012 1:14 AM
It seems multiple generations are turning to the Web to find love but the 60s+ crowd might be short on data and tales. Initial research shows older online daters seek honesty and compatibility and not so much just a night on the town.
Two Bowling Green State University professors of gerontology have started to research online dating in later life. Dr. Wendy K. Watson focuses mostly on women. Dr. Charlie Stelle focuses mostly on men. Together the duo has pulled their efforts to increase the quantity and quality of information available on older adults dating online.
So far, they've found senior daters are more interested in honest self-representation and being compatible rather than discussing sexual prowness and nightlife.
More mature daters also found traditional online coding terms missed some relevant key elements for the older demographic. Watson and Stelle suggest online sites geared at those over 60 might want to add personal characteristics such as affection, intelligence, and political beliefs, among others.
Older women are less likely to play games. "They want to make a decision quickly and cut their losses, because they have learned life is too short for dating games," Stelle told NewKerala.com.
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Maria Coder: Posted on Tuesday, January 24, 2012 9:06 PM
I know, I wasn't quite sure I believed it either but Chemistry.com says it's pinpointed the top 10 cities where we ladies can snag a sensitive man.
And what's THE place to find Mr. Sensitivity? Go ahead, guess.
You'll never guess...
Pompano Beach, Florida!
Chemistry says it used data based on the personality types of American singles to single out the cities with the highest concentrations of softhearted men. And, here they are, in order:
- Pompano Beach, Florida
- Roanoke, Virginia
- West Hollywood, California
- Nashville, Tennessee
- Buffalo, New York
- Sarasota, Florida east
- Greenville, South Carolina
- Wilmington, North Carolina
- Indianapolis, Indiana
- Staten Island, New York
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Maria Coder: Posted on Wednesday, December 28, 2011 3:13 AM
Ever wish you knew if your neighbor's home was broken into? Or if someone got mugged nearby, you know, so you could be extra alert? Well, now you can.
Jail.org has added an email notification service that scans local newspapers and online news sources to email you when a crime happens nearby. Enter your home zip code for crimes near home; your work zip code for crimes near work; your yoga zip code for crimes near yoga; etc. In some states, Jail.org gathers crime reports directly from the police. In others, the information is gathered from news coverage. Jail.org is privately-held and not affiliated with any government agency.
While the service isn't exhaustive, it can serve as an extra set of eyes and ears.
If you are dating someone and wondering if they may have a rap sheet of their own, here are some places to check:
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Maria Coder: Posted on Thursday, December 15, 2011 11:08 PM
It all seemed innocent enough.
Lauren didn't have a good time on her date.
In fact, she told The Huffington Post it was "horrific," so she chose not to respond to Mike's follow up texts or voicemails asking for another go. This is the part when most people, move on. Not Mike.
Instead of shrugging it off as possibly inexplicable, Mike decided it was best to send Lauren a 1,600-word email (after using Google to get her email) outlining all the ways in which she led him on during their date; this included: twirling her hair and seemingly enjoying the classical music.
(rolling eyes)
Well, the email got posted on Reddit and went viral. Go ahead, read it, you'll probably pass it on like everybody else.
What's that Carly Simon song again -- something like YOU'RE SO VAIN. You listening, Mike?
Seriously, get over yourself. So she didn't want a second date. Happens all the time, amigo... yes, even to you.
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